Nabilah's Blah Blahs

I hear it from 1.75 miles above the sea.

Do not fear of overcast.
Because rain, rain is a beautiful friend, dear.
Particularly,
when they are cold enough to form the snows.
When they are warm enough to turn into friendly clouds.

    

And look when they surround you.
A thick haze. A vivid mist.

Down there when you bow to tie your boots.
Up above there where you might see a glance of a helicopter passing.

Tell me,
how does it feel to dive in between them?

Does it feel like you are flying helplessly,
or more like you are floating in vacancy?

—

The Literal Blah.

Life’s lately been quite intricate for me.

And by lately, I mean these past two years. The college era. The days when I’m surrounded by high-fliers all around me. Those superb achievers. Stubborn fighters. Which inescapably drive me browbeaten (or said, “terintim” in terms of GEA slang) by all those applauded proceeds.

People going abroad, receiving honors, achieving scholarships, winning awards, being the leader of something precious, gaining more and more accomplishments are like standard daily news here. And I—who is (sadly) born as a natural perfectionist—can’t help but feeling like, “And what the fuck have I gained for the last few years?”

I am glad and flattered and thankful too, indeed, for having such great people with great attainments around me. And college is not the only one. I am still actively involved in volunteering activities in Bina Antarbudaya Chapter Bandung since I am one of the returnees too, and things are getting even more massive here. Every single person seems to be just way too cool in their own way that I sometimes envy how life seems to be so much worth it for them in their age.

Yet it left me thinking, again.

Why are people being so helplessly awe-inspiring? And why ain’t I?

Forgive me for I know that I do sound like a thankless ungrateful being right now, but let us just sit next to each other and I’ll let you to wear my perspective glasses.

(Anyway, this is my last year of being teenager before turning twenty this end year, so please just let me use this very last chance to be such infantile juvenile, will you readers.)

I don’t know but I’m right now feeling like these past two years have been so-not-mine kind of years. Compared to the old life I used to live, it really has been. Lord, I do miss achieving something big.

Once upon a time, I was the kid who became the best graduate in class of 2005 when I was in elementary school, and later thankfully did it again in 2008 in junior high school. Back then, elementary school and junior high school were like my golden years since I was like nailing stuffs pretty much a lot and I couldn’t appreciate myself more. Starting from senior high school, I admitted that I messed around too much for I was not being serious in many things, yet the Jenesys Short Program by AFS saved my years. That was like, the awe-est accomplishment I ever gained that I would not forget.

But then again, those are just parts of the past.

Now who am I today?

A couple days ago, I did third stage selection for Total E&P scholarship and didn’t make it. Few months ago, I applied for Tanoto and didn’t succeed, too. Last semester, more than half of Geological Engineering class of 2011 made it to dean lists and I wasn’t part of it. Second semester on college, I got the lowest (and surely, worst) index of Basic Chemistry 2B that it changed my GPA a lot. Oh yap, GPA. I once went to a psychologist and she made me convinced that I am really, really far from what I can actually do and gain according to my current number of GPA.

I also tried on few competitions and still, nothing.

My recent love life sucked and I still seem to have a very long way ahead to a happy-ever-after kind of story just like in Disney wonderland. Dudes, I am so cool with all these just-walking-around thingies but… everybody will have the need to settle down sooner or later anyway.

The last paragraph was just joking but… it still matters, though. Lol.

Yay, life. A very precious friend of mine then said to me on the night I failed the scholarship test,

“Maybe this just ain’t your time. Maybe these years are not yours. But who knows if it is just some kind of training before you get the real one?”

which sounds pretty much comforting and I couldn’t do anything but hoping that’s just true.

But still, I can’t help to wonder,

when was the last time I did something to the fullest?

And to frighten me more, I am now feeling haunted every time I am about to give some more shots and efforts by the ensuing question of, “Will it be worth it?”

Now I’m even making it worse by being insecure, ain’t I.

—

1. Be more thankful.
2. Higher your efforts, lower your expectations.
3. Nothing to lose.
4. Things will be worth it eventually.
5. That rescue ship with its enchanting captain will come and save you sooner or later.

Now go have a lovely slice of breakfast dish and mind your duties today. Chin’s up, darling! :-)

—

G.

I love self-questioning. Almost as much as you love deep-questioning me about your unanswered contemplations, combined with my delusive afterthought.

Among all those beings you thought you would never fall for, why would you pick me?

You started over.

And I can not persevere to not to find out. To satisfy you. So before I get lost in my own imaginings, let me first jump on the time machine to travel a bit too prior, to the old days when I first officially proclaimed I would go this way. Your way.

-

I believe in Him. And I know you do, too, almost as much as I have always done. We both agree to conclude that anything that led me this way, was all beyond my capability to refuse His decision. He put me here, with you, yet though in package with the whole uncertainty and self-doubt. Could I handle you? Would I survive you?

-

G,

When I first came up with this idea of welcoming you as a total stranger to my privy life, I knew it would change the entire things a lot. I was excited, indeed, but the concern was more. I thought I had always been man of reason, but that time, I was all clueless. I was offered by many other noteworthy options back then, but here I go. On your alley. I got clearer reasons to explain if I had walked onto another route, but that quaint something just sneaked into my point of view and changed the way I see everything. Until I could barely see anything, but you.

And things were not even getting easier afterwards. It took longer time than I thought just to get along with you. I tried to understand you by many ways, pushed myself harder, traded more shots to catch you in the right spot, while you seemed to enjoy seeing me writhe. But still, I possessed the ache. Have I turned irrational? No. I was just dealing with my own choice, wise man said.

But why should I be headed for it?

Why should He let me stroll your way?

-

I love reading long paragraphs. Almost as much as you love offering me prolonged lines to waste my time by.

And I love finding out the implicit. Almost as much as you love dropping hints so that I would give more attempt to break your riddle.

Just like I love uttering my personal point of view on anything. Almost as much as you love asking me about things in perspectives you’ve never heard of before.

And He knows. He knows even more. Inside and outside, He knows me better than anyone.

-

G,

it is because you offer me no yes-or-no questions. Not for a second you ever try to pry me with such strict query that takes my dwindling ability in memorizing sentences. I have always enjoyed the way you probe my depiction, the way you patiently wait for me to explain things the way I see it. My favourite part is your willingness to hear my personal opinions that not everybody could reveal. That way, I feel cherished and that was all I asked for when I first picked you amongst the others.

It is because you let me to define you, the way I foresee you through my own senses. I don’t have to keep up with arranged words that I need to memorize, but instead I could just freely use my own phrases which I think will suit you. And you will appreciate me, for anything I impart. I would just liberally use my inventiveness and you would not reproach. The happy part is to be able to be as chimerical as I want to, and nothing to be worried of. Because you, as always, would just relish it.

It is because nothing I say will ever be wrong, as long as I come up with reasons. As right now, nothing that’s taking place between both of us will ever be wrong, because I already come up with the sanity of why would I, and why you.

-

G,

I really am looking forward to spend the whole forthcoming future with you.

—